


Poems

by thisbluewall



Category: Original Work, Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bulimia, Death, Dysphoria, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, Overthinking, Poetry, Scars, Self-Harm, Suicide, Violent Thoughts, i do be a bit fucked up tho, im sorry, this is free therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:42:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26830861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisbluewall/pseuds/thisbluewall
Summary: all the serious poems ive written these past couple monthstws are at the beginning of each chapter, keep them in mind plstheyre all just vents dwrecently updated to have the poems actually be in chronological order
Kudos: 5





	1. ch. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw//cutting, suicidal ideation/thoughts, ed, death, cursing, caps lock,

Cuts

Hurting myself, it's an addictive pleasure  
Others worry, say I should take measures-  
But no, no, I cannot stop  
I cannot stop before I feel the drop-  
The drop of the knife sends shivers up my spine  
Skin upon metal, I'm on cloud nine  
Feeling my own blood smeared across my arm  
And yet, somehow, it sounds an alarm  
No, no, this is all wrong-  
This is the opposite, this is too long  
When the panic stops and I start to wander  
Only one word remains in my head:  
Monster.

~~

Dear Family,

Why, why, why can't you stop;  
Can you not see that I'm fucked up?  
You vent to me about everything,  
But when it comes to me, it's nothing.  
I cry all the time, tears rushing down my face;  
I lean away from your cold embrace.  
Coming to your problems, I'm always there.  
But me? No.  
You wouldn't dare.

~~

Over

Choking, falling, overdose  
Fingers tight at my throat  
The view here looks so nice  
Luckily I'm not scared of heights  
A bottle of pills in my hand  
The way to go that isn't so grand  
Who cares really, as long as I die  
I didn't even say goodbye  
Yet, of course, I'm still here  
As happy as I can appear  
Laughing, smiling, oh fuck, goddamn  
Someone asked me how I am  
I say "good", despite all my shit  
And I mean it...  
Right?

~~

Olive

Let me tell you a story,  
About a stranger.  
You don't know then,  
Not at all.  
But their name was Olive.  
Ironic really, being named after a food.  
Because for all their worth,  
They couldn't manage a single bite.  
That one fruit,  
That piece of toast,  
That bowl of soup,  
It was too much.  
Yeah, yeah, they know eating is necessary.  
But when one would rather starve,  
Is it really?  
And, well,  
Eating means the mirror gets angry.  
And oh, that's never good news.  
It shouts and screams,  
"FAT! UGLY! NOT SKINNY ENOUGH!! WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A NORMAL BODY? MAYBE THEN PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE YOU, HUH?!"  
The yelling doesn't stop.  
It never does.  
But the thing is,  
The mirror knows.  
It knows your biggest insecurity.  
It knows what you despise about yourself.  
And it taunts you and hates you until you can't fucking take it anymore.  
And then...  
Just a little more.  
Just one more tease, one more jab.  
Makes you snap, and break down, and then once more for good measure.  
Only then is its job done.  
Only then does it stop.  
And that is when Olive stops as well.  
That is where they not only stop eating, but talking, moving, everything really.  
Even living.  
They just...  
Stop.

~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading, stay hydrated and ily <3


	2. ch. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw for dysphoria, ed, cursing, sh, suicide, intrusive thoughts, death, blood+gore, and touchstarved-ness ig
> 
> spring isn’t a vent if you couldn’t tell lol

Lies 

A finger down my throat  
Sweaters and an overcoat  
I need to hide my body  
Numbers on a scale above everybody  
Hunger eating at me like a drought  
So many scars I don’t let out  
And all the pain I that keep trapped  
Bitten fingers and lips chapped  
I don’t let a single other sign  
Show that what’s under the clothes isn’t fine

But hey, I’m okay.

So many sharp things  
Knifes, scissors, even rings  
Dragging them along my skin  
But that red mark is so thin  
Deeper, deeper, I need to draw blood  
Yet it doesn’t blossom, like a dead bud  
I have to keep going, to keep cutting  
But the scratch keeps on shutting  
Sleeves on arms, pulled over hands  
Nobody ever understands

Yup, definitely okay.

Bright crimson fresh in my head  
My body lies below the bridge dead  
Slice off my thighs, muscle and fat  
Rib cage splintering, heart making a splat  
Head chopped off with bones sticking through  
And then, without further ado  
Family shot through with bullet holes  
Friends murdered, watching with their souls  
I was the one that did this  
In my mind? Everybody is dismissed

I’m sure I’m okay.

Emptiness, deeper than space  
A void in an unknown place  
Filled only with want  
Small touches are all taunts  
Lingering for a second before whisking away  
When I need someone to hug me all day  
Just love me and hold me tight  
Don’t leave after the sun isn’t bright  
We both need physical affection  
But of course we can’t in any direction

I said I’m okay.

Laying on my covers  
Is when my brain discovers  
How often I think of death  
To take away my final breath  
So many options to go  
The ideas grow and grow  
To jump or pills or even bleed dry  
I just need to try  
Walk in and everything’s all good  
But give me the chance and I would

...Am I okay?

~~

They

She’s a pretty girl  
Blonde hair, brown eyes  
Has earrings of pearl  
Smile worth a prize

Wants to wear a skirt  
Sweaters and high tops  
Just loves to flirt  
Laughs as she drops

However, you know  
Maybe there’s no she  
She will overflow  
As she is a he

Under the surface  
There is a boy  
Floating through space  
With nothing of joy

He claws at thin air  
Gasping for breath  
Confined in despair  
And wishing for death

Try to leave he might  
Needing to escape  
There is no light  
In this mirthless place

But he is stuck  
‘Til she opens up  
“Yeah right, good luck”  
He’s an empty cup

Fine, he’ll play her game  
Guess it’s only fair  
As she’s to blame  
This bitch doesn’t care

Scratching her chest  
Then grabbing her hips  
The way she’s dressed  
An apocalypse

Thighs and that waist  
Her long hair galore  
All poison laced  
What a fucking whore

They can’t decide  
Who will win this fight  
Each tear she’s cried  
Or his need for light

So they’ll stay that way  
Helpless and broken  
Going by “they”  
Struggle unspoken

~~

Spring

Best friends to lovers  
Cliché, I know  
My heart discovers  
Her warmth aglow

How safe she feels  
Such rare relief  
Head over heels  
A small sunset leaf

Because, you see here  
She’s pure perfection  
I will never disappear  
Give her affection

Deserving the world  
But wanting none  
Dreams all whirled  
Can’t be a “someone”

Freckles like stars  
Red blush arising  
Yes there are scars  
Beautiful, unsurprising

Ocean blue fading  
Summer field’s honey  
Blonde hair braiding  
Ever so sunny

I could go on  
Forever and ever  
Night until dawn  
When and wherever

Words can’t suffice  
The sheer amount of love  
What a paradise  
So high above

For now, I’ll say  
A simple thank you  
You make every day  
A sunrise view

~~

Marie

People really don’t realize  
How much those words hurt  
I know I wear a disguise  
Still don’t make me don a skirt

“She’s a, she’s a lady”  
But what if I’m the boy  
Music boxes and ballet  
I’ll pretend to enjoy 

Calling me a little girl  
Just keep smiling and then nod  
Even if it makes me hurl  
Have to stay in the facade

A great older sister  
Such a strong woman  
You’re giving me a blister  
Shortening my lifespan

These names do not fit me  
And they never will  
Stop saying I’m a cutie  
I’ll be the fucking devil

Yeah I know you don’t like it  
That I’m not your daughter  
But I’m going to quit  
When drowning underwater

So please don’t say this  
All feminine nicknames  
The girl that you’ll miss  
Is fucking done with your games 

Guess what you bastards  
I’m not a fucking girl  
No longer in your sweet herds  
The black sheep will unfurl

It’s true that I’ll stick out  
But it’s worth it in end  
No longer a blackout  
Never more will pretend 

~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> marie isn’t my actual name for the record, it’s a family thing  
> oh yes and song lyric is from “line without a hook” by ricky montgomery
> 
> that’s it really
> 
> stay safe, and i love you <3


	3. ch. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: mention of death, cursing + caps lock

Dusk Falling

Fossilized golden amber  
Fluttery crush on the rose girl  
Honey lavender  
Pale blue winter’s day  
Petals of a blooming cherry tree  
Lightest mint droplets  
Waterfall shadowing the sunlight  
Cold tropical waves flowing to an undead paradise  
Spotlight with hundreds of miniature doodles  
All fading away  
To the welcoming violet darkness  
Known as moths of butterflies

~~

Burning Up

Anger  
Such an interesting concept  
Someone says something  
Or you fucked up  
Perhaps everything went wrong  
And then  
That beautiful hurricane  
Full of regret, fear, hatred  
Mixed in with self loathing of course  
Don’t forget the fire consuming your entire being either  
“You said something dumb again”  
Yeah, yeah you did  
You really did  
Now I need you to shut the fuck up before I make you  
Stop talking  
Stop  
Stop  
FUCKING HELL STOP IT ALREADY I HATE YOU  
Oh, got another F  
Third class I’m failing  
It’s all my fault  
All because of my stupid, idiot self  
Why can’t I do my fucking work  
Am I that dense?  
The urges to punch  
They become so much stronger  
Unbearable even  
Because that wall would look so much nicer splattered with blood  
Either your own or somebody else’s  
What’s the difference?  
In the end  
You’re hurting  
So, so much  
And nothing can take that away

~~

Bandaid

Just stick a bandaid on it  
It’s gonna heal alright  
Packing up your first aid kit  
Then leave for the whole night

Keep adding on bandages  
All over each of my wounds  
Keep up the micromanage  
Problems that you assumed

All the stickers in the world  
Can’t cover scars aplenty  
Pretty colors patterns whirled  
Over my body empty

You need to cover me up  
Say that it will be okay  
I’m sorry to interrupt  
But my death is underway

~~

Lines

Twisted words across my skin  
"Pepto bismol veins and I grin"  
Marred lines jolting here and there  
Poison building in the air  
Scribbling down lines of poetry  
All of them songs  
All about me

~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song lyric is from 'bubblegum' by clairo (great song)
> 
> remember to take care of yourself! love you <3


	4. ch. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alright tws- eating disorder, purging, sh+blood, overthinking?? death, implied suicide, and cursing ofc

Adoration or Fabrication

I’m sorry, so sorry  
What have I done  
You say that you love me  
Lies shot from a gun

Piercing my rib cage  
Sealing my fate  
You say that you love me  
Crushing my hate

And I’ll say it back  
Every single time  
Put aside my suspicions  
Smiling like a mime

Rhymes and your poems  
They’re reasons to worry  
You say that you love me  
My vision grows blurry 

Are you okay?  
Are you a liar?  
Loving is a question  
Answer wrong to spread fire

You say that you love me  
But what’s the reality?

~~

It’s Fatal

White porcelain blemished with vomit  
Spitting out blood and sickly food  
Acid coming up to tarnish my mouth  
But it’s impossible to show gratitude

Slowly killing myself from inside  
Fingers in my throat takes away life  
I don’t really mind in the end  
Because after all

I’m just purging my soul away  
So hand me the fucking knife

~~

Give Me It

My mind will never be blank  
Can’t stop thinking  
Must keep moving, circles and circles

Wanna cover myself in cuts  
Choke myself with a wire  
Light myself on fucking fire

Aren’t I pretty?  
Ruby regret sliding down  
Beautiful, isn’t it 

I smell of roses and poison  
Death hovering an inch away  
So close, come closer

Need more, more blood, more scars  
Tokens of war  
Only bombs are blades over my dead body

~~

Don’t Go

“Stay alive”  
They say  
It’s all for them  
You hypocrites

You want to die too  
Don’t deny it  
So why me  
When she quits

I can’t go without her  
She’s my world  
But dead  
A star exploding 

I’m just a husk  
Withered corpse of mold  
“Stay alive”  
That’s my sanity your holding

We’re all his new pets  
Death himself  
I wish her no pain  
Impossible

Old scars leftover  
Memories and trauma  
Will never cease  
I’m not responsible-

But fucking hell  
She’s dying as well.

~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bruh the amount of tws for this ch- i’m ✨fucked up✨ aren’t i
> 
> take care of yourself pls <3


	5. ch. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw//implied sh, scars, typical 'i hate myself' shit thats fucking dumb it sounds dumb im sorry

Hope Lives

They tell a tale of sorrow  
Of suffering and pain  
Stories from generations  
The one who was slain

Red and pink and white  
Criss-cross his skin  
Each narrating blade  
A weeping violin

He promised the end  
No more hurt shall become  
Trying to stay strong  
Is much harder when numb 

He needs to feel it  
Sickly blood release  
Only three days clean  
His mind holds no peace 

But he actually stays  
Despite all the odds  
Years he grows old  
In the tree of the gods

Those markings are brave  
Though worn with shame  
Treasure them not  
For scars bear his name

Forever a part of him  
Never blinking out  
He survived dark times  
Beyond all doubt 

~~

Never

Monster high on panic  
Dripping puddles tracing the ground  
They’ll leave in the future  
Howling in anguish  
No control found here  
Desolate scenery of misery  
Hurting and aching  
Catching fire then drown  
In tears of hopelessness  
No control remains  
They’ll leave eventually  
Forever

~~

2:36 AM

Night time, my time  
Alone as I wish  
Shadows wander close  
Insomniac bitch

Sleep is so tempting  
I want it, but not  
Dreams haunting my view  
What if I get caught

I'm scared to wake  
Life never leaves  
Horrors fucking me  
He whispers, breathes

It's my safe place  
Where nothing exists  
Only looming there  
End's sweet kiss

I'm scared to wake up  
For it's about to burn  
Death day's return.

~~

Heather

Why would you ever kiss me  
I'm not good in reality  
You like her better  
I would too with your sweater

I'm sorry I'm so needy  
I know it's fucking greedy  
You need your space  
I should just erase

My chest hurts so much  
I need your touch  
Saying more, more, more  
Attention seeking whore

That's me right there  
Do you still care  
If you ever did at first  
After all, I'm the worst

She's got you mesmerized  
While I'm fucking despised  
Selfish little cunt  
Hands grabbing in front

I'm so fucking sorry  
That I'm me

~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last poem uses title and lyrics from 'heather' by conan gray
> 
> :)


	6. ch. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw // eating disorders, body image

Try Harder

It's lying to me  
I don't need to eat  
Going hungry is free  
Must be discrete

So many calories  
Can't keep staying a pig  
Skinny model's galleries  
Delicate spring sprig

Hate this body  
Pounds layered on it  
"You're thin!" said nobody  
Barely eat a little bit

Shrink my waist  
Cut off greasy fat  
I've been disgraced  
Must become flat

I can't eat  
I won't eat

~~

Drop

Tick, tock  
Tick, tock  
Goes the clock  
Around the clock

Tip, tap  
Tip, tap  
I will snap  
They all will snap

Head will twitch  
Keeping glitch  
Hand will twitch  
Don't be a snitch

Tick, tock  
Around the clock  
Tick, tock  
Knock, knock, knock.

~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first is only a vent!
> 
> B)


End file.
